The Weight Of The World

When my first baby was born, I loved her more than the universe.  

(Not my actual baby.)

What I didn't realize was, by making her my world - I put myself way out in orbit.  I felt like everything I did had to be centered around her, always, and if I spent time or money on things just for me, I was being selfish.  Pretty soon, I was like a vacant house.  My body became overgrown, my hair went untended, and the only thing that I cultivated was resentment.  Overall, I just felt stuck.  Baby #2 didn't help things.  Life was becoming a blur, and although I wanted to find joy and I loved my husband and our daughters, I felt like a drudge.  My job is to be funny and know what's going on in the world, and although parenting gave me plenty of funny poop-on-my-shirt stories, those only go so far. 
 

Over the last couple of years, it was like I found myself again.  I gave myself permission to just be 'Amy' sometimes.  I am still home a lot, but I have a better balance.  Having another baby hasn't had the same effect that my other babies did.  (My hair isn't looking all that great lately, but I guess something's gotta give when you get up between 3 and 4am for work and have 3 kids.)  The point is, I'm more relaxed now, I spend time with friends, and have actual grown-up shows that I watch and occasionally I go out and stay out past 9pm. 

Yesterday, I went to the gym for the first time since my baby boy was born.  This is something that isn't easy to fit into my schedule, but I know I need to do it for myself.  Now that the baby factory is closed for good (sorry, Grandmas!), I really want to get in shape and stay that way.  I'm not the heaviest person in the world, but I know when I'm uncomfortable in my own skin.  My personality changes and my self-confidence plummets.  I try not to make a big deal about it because I don't want my little girls to develop body image issues.  But it's not very fun when they ask me if I have another baby in my tummy!

 

While I was there, two older ladies chatted with me while we were on treadmills, telling me how great they think it is that I'm ALREADY working out since having my baby.  At first, this was just a nice distraction from the timer on the display and my huge fear of treadmills.  (I swear, I'm going to trip and fly off the back!)  But then, it was amazing to talk with them and have them validating what I was doing.  For one of them, this was the first time she had worked out in 16 YEARS.  And they also told me how much they applauded me taking the time for myself to do it while my children are young.  They both told me stories about how many years they went without taking care of themselves, and how they wished they could go back and do it all over.  This is in contrast to another older woman that I met last year.  I'll never forget her sad look as she told me her husband is away a lot for work, her son was grown and had moved out, and she didn't really have any girlfriends - just her cat.  She said everything she did, she did for her son while she was raising him and never developed friendships or hobbies.  As much as the kids are the center of my world now, someday they will move on with their own lives.  I will always love them more than the universe, but I don't want to be left behind without a life of my own that's full and satisfying.  I felt so great after talking with these ladies at the gym, it was like I'd already lost 10 pounds. (I wish!)